My Story

Aug 5/98 i noticed no movement from the baby. I thought the baby was resting because i was already over-due by a few days so i thought that was a sign i was going in very soon. As the evening progressed i grew more scared and worried. I wanted to call my doctor but i was afraid to because deep down inside i knew something was wrong. Around midnight i went into labour with my contractions starting at 2-3 minutes. At 4 in the morning i was starting to spot a little so i decided it was time to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital, the nurse went to hook me up to the monitors but could not locate the baby's heartbeat.. my suspisions were quickly becoming a reality. All i was told then was that my doctor was on her way and perhaps the baby was hiding. When the doctor tried to get the heartbeat she delivered the worst news of my life " i think the baby is dead". An ultrasound was done right away and our worst fears were confirmed. My life was shattered in an instance. At the time all i wanted was a C-Section.. i did not think i would be able to go through a delivery knowing what the end result was. I was so close to delivery time that they advised me it would be better if i did not have one. They moved me to a special room to have the baby. That was the hardest thing i ever had to do. My husband was there but i have to give big heart warmed thanks to my mom and my sister who were in the room with me. If it was not for them i think i would have lost it . The birth went as well as expected but there was an undescribable feeling of peace. Then the moment came to say good-bye to a sweet baby we never even got the chance to say hello to. He seemed so perfect it was hard to believe he was gone. I wanted to hold him but i could not bring myself to do it. I held him for nine months so i felt lucky enough and that was all i needed. I left the hospital a few hours later because i did not want to stay there. The next few days were such a whirl wind. We had to tell all our friends and family the bad news. We received a lot of support. On Aug 10 we had a burial for the baby. He is buried right beside his cousin where they can play together in heaven. The hardest part was not knowing what happened. There was no conclusive answer. There was some speculation as to what happened. The cord was looped around his shoulders but they were not sure if it was enough to have caused it. The placenta had started to seperate but they were not sure if it was enough to do such damage. All we know is that at some point the baby was under stress because he completely emptied his bowels. The feelings have been quite the emotional rollercoaster. There are feelings of sadness, anger and guilt. But the worst is not knowing. I have been trying to console myself that there is a reason which can not be answered at this time. One of the hardest parts was telling my other 2 children. It was ironic they were sleeping when i came home and they both woke up at the same time and my oldest one asked if the baby died. It was so hard to tell them. They are young but it is amazing how well they understand. It was hard comprehending that mommy was going to have a baby but was not able to bring that baby home. All the excitement and preparations for a new life....dreams for a new life... all shattered in an instance.. The next few months were up and down but i finally had a breaking point in November. I felt like i hit rock bottom but now all i can do is go up. While i still have a lot of bad days they are starting to be farther apart. I just look forward to the day when i get to say hello. Sheldon has a special place in my heart.. He will always be loved. Never to have known but always loved ...

Rose

July 6, 1999.

The doctor finally told us we could have another ultrasound to determine how far along I was and maybe see if we could tell what we were having (The first ultrasound we couldn't tell cause the baby refused to cooperate). According to the ultrasound I was carrying a 29 week old baby boy. We were so happy our first baby was going to be a boy. That night about 3 am I felt the baby going crazy but I didn't think much of it and went back to sleep. All day Wednesday I didn't feel him move, but I figured he moved so much the night before that he must just be resting. That night I went to bed early because I was so exhausted from work. The next day the baby still wasn't moving and I couldn't get him to kick back when I pressed on him. I told my husband and he called the ER. They told me to come in right away. I knew then that he was gone, but I didn't want to admit it. We got to the hospital and the nurses tried to find a heartbeat. They couldn't, but said it maybe so weak they could find it on an ultrasound.
Unfortunately, the ultrasound did not prove them wrong. My baby was gone. I honestly believe he left this earth the night he went crazy and I just went back to sleep. The doctors had to induce labor since I was only 7 mths. Thursday they started my labor and my son was not delivered until Friday, July 9th. He was a beautiful baby. He had both of our features and a full head of hair already. We buried him Tuesday and it was the hardest time of my life. I really didn't want to be there, but I knew if I didn't go I would regret it forever. Later we found out there was no reason for his death. The doctors could find absolutely nothing that would have caused his passing. I still am angry about the fact that I lost my baby when other people who do drugs or abuse themselves in other ways have perfectly healthy babies, but God had his reasons and I just have to trust in Him. I will never forget Jared Andrew....he will be in my heart and life forever.

Crystal