My Story

Aug 5/98 i noticed no movement from the baby. I thought the baby was resting because i was already over-due by a few days so i thought that was a sign i was going in very soon. As the evening progressed i grew more scared and worried. I wanted to call my doctor but i was afraid to because deep down inside i knew something was wrong. Around midnight i went into labour with my contractions starting at 2-3 minutes. At 4 in the morning i was starting to spot a little so i decided it was time to go to the hospital. We got to the hospital, the nurse went to hook me up to the monitors but could not locate the baby's heartbeat.. my suspisions were quickly becoming a reality. All i was told then was that my doctor was on her way and perhaps the baby was hiding. When the doctor tried to get the heartbeat she delivered the worst news of my life " i think the baby is dead". An ultrasound was done right away and our worst fears were confirmed. My life was shattered in an instance. At the time all i wanted was a C-Section.. i did not think i would be able to go through a delivery knowing what the end result was. I was so close to delivery time that they advised me it would be better if i did not have one. They moved me to a special room to have the baby. That was the hardest thing i ever had to do. My husband was there but i have to give big heart warmed thanks to my mom and my sister who were in the room with me. If it was not for them i think i would have lost it . The birth went as well as expected but there was an undescribable feeling of peace. Then the moment came to say good-bye to a sweet baby we never even got the chance to say hello to. He seemed so perfect it was hard to believe he was gone. I wanted to hold him but i could not bring myself to do it. I held him for nine months so i felt lucky enough and that was all i needed. I left the hospital a few hours later because i did not want to stay there. The next few days were such a whirl wind. We had to tell all our friends and family the bad news. We received a lot of support. On Aug 10 we had a burial for the baby. He is buried right beside his cousin where they can play together in heaven. The hardest part was not knowing what happened. There was no conclusive answer. There was some speculation as to what happened. The cord was looped around his shoulders but they were not sure if it was enough to have caused it. The placenta had started to seperate but they were not sure if it was enough to do such damage. All we know is that at some point the baby was under stress because he completely emptied his bowels. The feelings have been quite the emotional rollercoaster. There are feelings of sadness, anger and guilt. But the worst is not knowing. I have been trying to console myself that there is a reason which can not be answered at this time. One of the hardest parts was telling my other 2 children. It was ironic they were sleeping when i came home and they both woke up at the same time and my oldest one asked if the baby died. It was so hard to tell them. They are young but it is amazing how well they understand. It was hard comprehending that mommy was going to have a baby but was not able to bring that baby home. All the excitement and preparations for a new life....dreams for a new life... all shattered in an instance.. The next few months were up and down but i finally had a breaking point in November. I felt like i hit rock bottom but now all i can do is go up. While i still have a lot of bad days they are starting to be farther apart. I just look forward to the day when i get to say hello. Sheldon has a special place in my heart.. He will always be loved. Never to have known but always loved ...


July 6, 1999.

The doctor finally told us we could have another ultrasound to determine how far along I was and maybe see if we could tell what we were having (The first ultrasound we couldn't tell cause the baby refused to cooperate). According to the ultrasound I was carrying a 29 week old baby boy. We were so happy our first baby was going to be a boy. That night about 3 am I felt the baby going crazy but I didn't think much of it and went back to sleep. All day Wednesday I didn't feel him move, but I figured he moved so much the night before that he must just be resting. That night I went to bed early because I was so exhausted from work. The next day the baby still wasn't moving and I couldn't get him to kick back when I pressed on him. I told my husband and he called the ER. They told me to come in right away. I knew then that he was gone, but I didn't want to admit it. We got to the hospital and the nurses tried to find a heartbeat. They couldn't, but said it maybe so weak they could find it on an ultrasound.
Unfortunately, the ultrasound did not prove them wrong. My baby was gone. I honestly believe he left this earth the night he went crazy and I just went back to sleep. The doctors had to induce labor since I was only 7 mths. Thursday they started my labor and my son was not delivered until Friday, July 9th. He was a beautiful baby. He had both of our features and a full head of hair already. We buried him Tuesday and it was the hardest time of my life. I really didn't want to be there, but I knew if I didn't go I would regret it forever. Later we found out there was no reason for his death. The doctors could find absolutely nothing that would have caused his passing. I still am angry about the fact that I lost my baby when other people who do drugs or abuse themselves in other ways have perfectly healthy babies, but God had his reasons and I just have to trust in Him. I will never forget Jared Andrew....he will be in my heart and life forever.



On August the 17th 2000. I took my daughter to the Doctor to hear her babies heartbeat and get her normal check up. everything was fine the babies heart was beating strong and she was ok.  She was told to come back and be seen in three weeks by then she would 27 weeks. Two weeks later I had this nagging feeling that I needed to take her to the doctor. I finally did I wanted to see if the baby was Ok, however, When the doctor tried to check the heartbeat there was nothing, I knew in my heart that this meant that my grandson was dead, The doctor tried to make us that maybe he was in a ackward postion, We were sent to the Er where my was nightmare was confirmed. That very same day on 9/18/2000. She was induced and he was here and gone in and instant. It is so very hard when you have to see your child loose their only child as well as your only grand baby. That hardest part is holding that precious baby in your arms knowing this is where it begins and the ending is yet to come. Though I am only the Grandmother I have this big hole in my heart I have four children of my own. To have to bury a child is something that I really wish for no one regardless to what race you may be. May you be blessed.




It's almost a year since my daughter, Angela Sabrina Scuderi, silently entered this world on Feb. 12, 2000.  I wonder sometimes if I did things differently if she would be with me today.  It's a question I always ask, yet there is no answer.  I was roughly 32 and half weeks along when I started having premature labor.  My husband and I went to the hospital where I was admitted.  I was given "Breathine," which made me have hot flashes, aniexty, and made my blood sugars go out of control.  If it caused all that to me I can imagine what it did to Angela, because she was moving all over the place.  Sometimes I wish I never took that medicine, because I feel in my heart that was the beginnig of the end.  You see I'm also one of the unfortunate people who has diabeties.  I feel that Breathine should never have been given to me for that reason alone, since later I found out that it elevates blood sugar levels.  But who am I to question a doctor, I do not have a medical degree.  Prior to this I had so many tests, ultrasounds, amino, fetal echos and they all confirmed that Angela was a healthy baby girl.  I have no proof and I never will really know what killed my little girl.  All I know is that two and a half weeks later, at 35 and a half weeks my little angel would be forever asleep.  On February 9th I went in for a routine visit, but I knew in my heart that morning she was gone, because I had not felt her.  I remember going in with my older daughter, Jessica.  I can still see the nurses faces as they couldn't find her heartbeat.  I remember going for an ultrasound and later sitting down with the doctor.  I knew before he said it, and I can still see the words on the piece of paper he held, "No Cardiac Motion Detected."  Words that I still see when I close my eyes.  Maybe God was looking out for me that day, because I can't honestly say I would be here today if my other daughter was not with me.  I remember going back that night with my husband, Phil , so they could induce labor.  I remember on the elevator, a man got on looked at us and said congratulations your having your baby today.  He must have thought we were crazy because we said thank you and cried.  Three days later Angela entered this world silently at 5:51 pm. She left me with bittersweet memories, empty arms and a broken heart.  I still cry late at night when every one is asleep.  My tears may eventually not fall as often, but my heart will always cry.  I wish I could have a second chance, but I know that can never happen.  Because if it could I would have had Angela early at 32 and a half weeks.  I would rather have a live baby in an incubator versus a dead baby I will never get to hold again.  




On May 5, 2001, I gave natural birth to two twin girls.  Their names are Kaitlin and Kennedy.  I will never forget that day.  On May 4, I was having pain, but I didn't think it was nothing.  I went home and went to sleep.  I thought I just needed some rest.  I got up and went to work.  When I got off work, I went to sleep again.  It was about 6:00 the next morning, blood just came out of me.  I didn't know what to do.  When the doctor gave me an ultrasound,  my ntractions started.  Before that happened, I thought my doctor was going to send me home, but he didn't.  I couldn't believe I was in labor.  Before I delieved my babies, he told me they weren't going to survive.  I just started crying.  He hurted me so bad because I actually gave birth to these two beautiful little girls and I wasn't going to be able to play with them.  They both weighed 1lb a piece.  They were so beautiful and tiny.  I know God had his reason, and he is taking care of Kaitlin Nicol!
e and Kennedy Mone'




I had a very normal pregnancy except I was pregnant with twins. It seems I saw the Dr. every week. Eveything was fine.My due date was Jan. 20 1991. I went into labor on Jan. 13 1991 not knowing anything was wrong with one of my babies. The nurses were unable to get a heartbeat. I had an emergeny c-section. When I woke up I was all alone still not knowing what had happend. A nurse came in and told me I lost one baby. I was very confused. My sister's were there with me and helped me through the hardest day of my life. I was able to hold my baby and to this day I am so glad I did! I had one baby that gave me so much joy and one that I would never get to know.There is not a day that goes by that she is not in my thoughts. She is greatly missed!




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