Grieving for my Angel

I am writing this even though I know every little detail of this terrible tragedy will be forever etched in my mind.  How could I possibly forget any aspect of the most bittersweet experience of my life?

It took 2 years to conceive Lainey.  We tried very hard to get pregnant.  I had a test ran to make sure my fallopian tubes were not blocked, and Mike had semen analysis; ran.  We were about to give up hope of ever having another child.  Elijah (age 5) would not give up though.  He wanted a sibling very badly.  So he prayed.  Every night after his bedtime prayers, he would add and please let my mommy have a baby.  His prayers were answered.  About two weeks after he started praying, much to my shock, I found out I was pregnant.

All of the excitement had begun.  We were of course very happy to be blessed with another child.  The whole family was ecstatic at the fact that I was going to have a girl, since Brittany (my niece age 11) was the only girl in the family.  We would have loved it no matter what the sex though.

This was a very exciting time in my life.  I was experiencing something I never had before.  Even though I had been pregnant with Elijah & with the first baby I lost (ectopic pregnancy), this time it was different.  My body went through many different changes with this pregnancy.  It wasn't just the physical either.  Planning for a little girl gave me much joy. 

I couldn't get enough pink frilly items.  I could not wait to dress her up and fix her hair, all of the fun mother daughter stuff.  Mike was sure excited too.  He already had her nickname picked out princess.  I'm sure thats how she would have been treated too.  We had a blast with Elijah, t-ball and such, all of the boy things, but this was different and exciting in it's own way.

I of course got started right away on a quilt for the baby bed.  She was to share a room with her big brother, so we had to do the color scheme just right.  So I made up their beds to match and painted their walls.  For months we worked on getting all of the baby things we would need and having everything just right.  Once we did, it was like a sigh of relief, and we anxiously awaited her arrival. 

The time was drawing near, and I was very ready to meet my little girl.  The day before I turned 37 weeks pregnant, the nightmare began.  Wednesday & Thursday of that week Lainey was very active, more so than ever before, and that Monday I had a doctors appointment, and everything was ok.  It was Friday, October 12, 2001 when I realized something could be wrong.  I recall feeling Lainey move Friday morning, but when I went to bed that night I didn't feel anything, which was odd considering when I laid down was usually when she started to move a lot.  I mentioned to Mike that I thought it was strange that I didn't feel her moving, but considering she had been fine the whole week, I didn't think much more of it and went to sleep.  Saturday morning came and I still wasn't feeling any movement.  I just assumed that she had dropped and that was why she wasn't moving so much.  I was still concerned though, so I had Mike go to Walmart and buy a Baby so!
unds heart monitor.  I hooked it up and listened carefully.  It took a while, but I finally heard a heart beat.  (later found out it was my heart beat) We went on with our day assuming she was ok since we heard a heart beat.  Sunday October 14th I still did not feel anything, so I thought even though I had heard a heart beat that maybe she was in distress, and I should go to the hospital to be checked out just to make sure. 

When we arrived at the hospital they took me in to a room and hooked me up to the belly heart monitor.  The first nurse could not get a heart beat, so I knew then something was wrong.  She went out of the room and came back with three other nurses.  Right then my heart sank, I knew that the worst thing I could possibly imagine had come true.  All four nurses tried and tried to find her heart beat, and had no success.  They then did an ultrasound to try to see the heartbeat, and still nothing.  I knew, they knew, Mike knew, but no one wanted to say it.  One nurse was explaining to me that they were not trained ultrasound technicians, so they couldn't be sure, and I would have to wait for a confirmation ultrasound from a technician.  So we waited with heavy hearts and prayed to God for our worst fear not to be coming true. 

I called my sister Cherrie and relayed the terrible news.  I remember her screams, No, No!  The same words were echoing in my head over and over.  I could not think of anything else, except no, this could not be happening.  With only three short weeks left in my pregnancy, I never would have imagined something going this wrong.  I sure learned not to take things for granted. 

In the midst of what seemed like forever long wait for the ultrasound technician to arrive, my family came to be with me.  I could see the looks of horror and disbelief on their faces.  I know how sad their hearts were, I could see it in their eyes. 

Finally I had my ultrasound, the confirmation of the worst truth.  I can't even describe how I felt at that moment.  Everything I had been waiting so long for and hoping for with all my heart was just ripped away from me in a second. 

Inevitably the talk of the funeral had started.  I could not believe that just a few short hours had past, and it was now a difference of planning a life for my baby, and planning the death of my baby. 

Then came the hard decision of having a cesarean or a vaginal birth.  The first thought of delivering my dead baby the natural way seemed morbid to me, and I did not think I could do it, so I originally opted for a cesarean.  Now I am so glad that the doctor talked me into delivering her vaginally.  I can't imagine having to go through the mental anguish of losing my child and being in physical pain from a cesarean too.  They started inducing my labor at 6:00 pm.  I went several hours without progressing, so the doctor finally broke my water.  After that, I progressed fairly quick.  At 7;19 pm October 15th I delivered my baby girl.  Ultimately I am forever grateful that I was awake and alert at the time of delivery, so I could hold my precious baby in my arms and kiss her.  I needed that time to trace every inch of her body with my eyes, and try my hardest to burn into my brain exactly what she looked like because I knew I would never get another chance. 

It was hard dealing with the fact that her physical appearance was not exactly perfect, due to the fact that maceration had already set in.  It broke my heart to see her skin peeling away from her perfect little body, and her poor little head was so frail and misshapen.  But I could look beyond all of that and see that she was truly perfect, and very beautiful.

The short time I got to spend with her was the most emotional thing I've ever gone through.  I was so happy to have had such a wonderful baby girl, and to be able to hold her and love her, but it saddened me beyond words that I knew this would be the only time, that my little girl was gone, and I'd have to say goodbye. 

The day after I delivered her I was released from the hospital.  I could not stay there any longer than necessary.  I had to get away from the sounds of the other babies that were living just footsteps away.  I needed to be with my family, and I had to make arrangements for the memorial for my sweet baby girl. 

Coming home and showing Elijah the pictures of his baby sister that he had prayed for and was now gone, was very hard on my heart.  How could I explain to him that what God so graciously gave him, God had also taken away. 

He seemed to understand though, at least better than I had expected.  He didn't question why; he seemed to come to the terms that his baby sister had gone to heaven.  I know he didn't fully understand, but I was relieved that he didn't question it too much, because I could not have answered him.  No one knows why God does what he does, and we didn't even have a medical reason to tell him.

The next day (October 17, 2001) was the much dreaded day of the funeral.  I was afraid of how Elijah would handle seeing her in a casket, lifeless.  And I myself was scared that they would have had to strip her of her beauty by using too much make up on her to cover up the flaws on her skin.

When we arrived at the funeral I had Cherrie check her first so I could be prepared for what she would look like, and also so I could prepare Elijah for what he would see.  They did have to put quite a lot of makeup on her unfortunately.  Her head was even more misshapen, but I could see through all of that and still see her beauty. 

Elijah was a little standoffish at first, wanting to touch her, but not quite sure if he could.  Throughout the day he had really warmed up to the idea of being close to her.  Often he ran up to the casket all by his self as if he were checking on his baby sister to make sure she was still ok. 

I myself could not kiss her and touch her enough.  I knew this was my last chance, and I had to get all I could in then.  Her body was cold, and for the most part, her body was hard, but her little hands and feet were still soft.  I held her hand a lot, her fingers were slightly curled, as if she was grasping my finger.  That was a good feeling, because I knew I would never feel her hand grasp mine for real.

The funeral was a very hard thing to go through, for all of us, but especially during the song we had played for her Angel by Sarah Maglaughlin.  Elijah hadn't really cried yet, but as soon as the music started playing he burst into tears.  He cried during the whole sermon that the preacher delivered and all the way until we got into the car.  My heart was breaking of course, and breaking even more so for him.  I knew that he and Mike were right beside me, both having unimaginable pain of their own, and I felt helpless.  I wanted so badly to take away their pain, but all I could focus on was my own pain, and my baby girl lying in front of me in her casket.

As the day grew longer every step became harder, knowing that soon it would all be over with, and I would never again in this lifetime see my sweet Lainey.  Walking away from that casket was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I did not want to say goodbye.  I knew it was the only option though, and with a sad heart I watched Steve carry away her body in that tiny and elegant casket.  Following the car to the cemetery I could not stop thinking about what was coming next.  I knew that when I was to arrive at the cemetery her casket would be closed, and no matter how much I wanted to, I could not open it up and see her one last time.  I had to do the unthinkable and say goodbye and walk away from that casket knowing she would be lowered into the cold hard ground.

The days that followed were full of grief.  I had to come home, and face the bitter reality that I was coming home to an empty baby bed, instead of a house full of joy due to the arrival of a new baby.  Putting away Lainey's things was almost like saying goodbye all over again.  Every day I have to take one more step, one more hard pill to swallow.  I've been putting away almost every trace of the fact that a baby was supposed to be in this house.  I don't do this to try to forget, just to make it a little easier.  I wake up every morning and think of her first.  There are reminders of her everywhere I go.  I look at her picture often.  It is a hard thing to accept. 

I have also been dealing with physical problems as well as emotional problems.  I'm being treated for high blood pressure.  It is hard to grieve when you are worried about raising your blood pressure.  As hard as I want to cry, I feel scared to.  I'm afraid for my own well being, because the last thing I want to do right now is leave Elijah without a mother.

He needs me right now more than ever.  I'm sure he doesn't realize it, but he has been acting out since the baby's death.  He is very argumentative, and demanding.  He gives me and Mike ultimatums when he doesn't get his way.  He hardly ever wants to be at home.  These are all typical types of behavior for a grieving 5-year-old, as far as I can tell from the reading, I just don't know what to do to help him through this difficult time.  All I can do is just love him unconditionally and let him know that I am here for him. 

Poor Mike, he is hurting very badly too I know, and has had to put his feelings on the back burner to try to be strong for us.  He is trying to deal with Elijah to keep my stress level down, and is taking care of me so I don't have any problems with my blood pressure.  He has been great through out this whole ordeal.  He surely has shown what a great man he is.  I love him more than ever now, unfortunately it had to take a tragedy to bring us closer together.

As the days go by, it gets a little easier, but I know forever my heart will ache.  I miss my sweet little baby girl more than words can express.  My heart is so full of love for her and so full of sorrow at the same time. 

I can only hope that one sweet day will come in heaven where I will be able to once again hold my angel in my arms and give her all the love I have.

October 31, 2001

EMAIL: moo2jah@msn.com

NAME OR NICKNAME: Corrie